Heads or Tails

Trying to figure out if you are the crazy person and everyone else is normal is like flipping a coin. Heads-I am Crazy; Tails-I am Normal. That is how I have been feeling lately.

Let me try to explain. Every night I go to bed exhausted but as soon as my head hits the pillow BAM I'm wide awake and then my head starts filling up with all kinds of things. Things that make me lay awake and think or cry or just gets me down right pissed. So I thought to myself it is time to start a blog again. Time to start writing down all these thoughts to get them out of my head and hopefully be able to lay down and fall asleep at night!

Most of my thoughts are of my Mom. I lost my Mom to cancer 7 1/2 years ago. We had a wonderful relationship and I miss her terribly. I go to bed every night asking my Mom to come to me in my dreams. I just need to hear her, see her, hug her one more time. She died so young she was only 52 years old. My thoughts are usually sorrow and sadness for her missing so much of her life. She missed seeing me get married, she missed the birth of 3 grandchildren and all the birthdays. But lately I'm feeling anger towards her. I have been thinking how dare she leave us. Yes she did all she could, 2 years of chemo and surgery, and I love her for that but did she do enough? Why didn't she go to the doctors when she first started symptoms? Why did she ignore it? Didn't she love us enough to go and get it checked out? Was she too busy? Was she scared? Or was she telling me the truth when she said she just thought it was stress from helping plan my sisters wedding? I know anger is part of the mourning process but can you still be going through the mourning process after almost 8 years? Am I the only one that is taking this long getting over losing a loved one?